a little less numb

sometimes in order to get things done, i tend to go "numb" and push through the task at hand. i need to avoid feeling anything so i may be more productive and JUST GET THE JOB DONE.

for example, this past holiday weekend. not much of a holiday. i, along with some of my family members, spent the time going through mamaw's house. picking and taking. negotiating. compromising. sure, we grilled out. we were hungry! we did have a few good laughs, a light chuckle or two... there were a few stories shared, memories forever held onto.

but all in all, we just got in and got out. day 1 turned to day 2...then some trickled in on day 3. my brother and i couldn't return until day 4... and so on.

now that THAT part of it is mostly done, i sit here in MY home surrounded by mamaw's things. and it's a bit overwhelming. my house doesn't really smell like US so much right now; there is the impressive smell of HER. it is both comforting AND distressing. i find myself shutting down a little less, but i am still not able to open my eyes and take it all in yet. i am s-l-o-w-l-y unpacking boxes, mixing her beloved possessions with mine.

i am thankful. APPRECIATIVE of all i have. mamaw's things now mine. but i am not used to them yet. in my space.

her house is nearly empty now. it is like a slow, drawn-out dream you wish you would wake from. all that is left is a strange dusty, musty smell and a hollowness.

the little things

Educational Insights 1753 Idio (Google Affiliate Ad)sometimes i am in such a hurry to get things done, i don't even notice right away the little things, the milestones, that emma accomplishes. when did i get in such a rush? when there is a schedule to keep, three people's schedules, and supper, and bathtimes, and bedtime. ...

i should've given a hug when she dressed herself, brushed her teeth and hair, and got her jacket on ALL BY HERSELF when we needed to get out the door. i should've listened closer as she excitedly told me about funnel clouds and tornadoes. i should have high-fived when she got the milk out of the refrigerator, poured herself a glass, and put the container back.

emma is almost nine years old. these things may not be a big deal to some other parents of nearly-nine year olds. but for us, it is a BIG BIG deal. wow, she is really catching up fast developmentally. my girl tied her shoes this year. she unzipped her backpack this year and brought me her homework. this year she sat on the bed with noah and quizzed him on her Idiom of the Week cards.

oh, this year hasn't been short on meltdowns. we have had a few. you may recall the Train Station meltdown, for one.

i am not going to beat myself up over not saying "Wow!" every single time something new happens. BUT i will vow to pay more attention and to slow down. they are both growing up so quickly. i miss their little baby bottoms and baby breath... we don't get forever, you know.


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none

wrote this last year... just putting it out there again.

visited you. there. In that place. stepping gingerly around the fresh dirt of your neighbors. i cry at this. so many new neighbors. you'll never know them. or maybe you once did. my skirt greening from the damp ground, blades of grass...my legs itch. i trace the groove of your name, stone cold. tears flow freely. i update you on the matters (or matters not) of my life. spring robin waiting, watching, for me to place over-priced "flowers" atop the granite. sorry, bird, i didn't come here today for that. you might have to make your nest elsewhere. i wonder if you can hear me at all, through so many layers of time. mom. mom. look at all these clovers! how many 4-leaf clovers are hiding here? how many would your eye see? i search. none.

"doesn't that floor look kinda like pizza cheese?"

the things Emma says. i love it. she melts me. she was referring to our new laundry room floor. we bought an old house-- one that has had next to no maintenance done on it all. i knew the laundry room floor has needed replaced since the beginning. but when the floor guy texted and said he was on his way Thursday, it was DEFINITELY the right time. i went rushing through there to pick up towels and socks... and OH NO! my left leg went through! all the way up to my hip. i have a few nice bruises to show for it. a moment of panic ensued when my leg was dangling down into the black, spidery unknown. i hoisted myself out, crawled a fraction of an inch. and the pain set in. oh, i yelled. and cried. i think noah probably didn't even look up from his game in the living room. geez. anyway, i have a new floor. now i am waiting on my water heater to be re-installed and the water turned back on, so we can be clean people again. i thought it was bad yesterday when it occured to me that the smell in the bathroom was reminiscent of the port-a-potties at Lieber Beach in the 90s. then i thought it was super bad this morning when i realized i had gotten used to the smell. no no no. not good. must get the water back on and flush and BLEACH!

on this MOTHER'S DAY, i don't have a plan for today. it's already almost one o'clock. where has the day gone already? i think maybe we'll visit the cemetery. or not. mom and mamaw aren't really there. i always feel them though when i'm out in the sunshine. and when i drive. i talk to them both. sometimes i can feel mom in the car, so i'll find some Reba or Janis and turn it up. i long for the old days... maybe mamaw would take us all to Gray's. yum. strawberry pie. ... maybe i'll take my television- and game-crazed children outside, and they will LIKE it. or else.

the voice that told me so

have you ever heard that inner voice? the one that practically shouts at you, telling you what the hell you should be doing? like, JUST DO THIS! RIGHT NOW! YOU HAVE TO! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, GET UP AND DO IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? maybe it's not even an inner voice at all. maybe it's a cosmic energy aligning you with the planets and stars... you know. whatever. ;)

well, i have heard this voice twice lately. once it shouted out saying, "Blog! And don't just blog about the random stuff (although I highly encourage that.) Blog about YOUR experiences with Autism." then, a second time, it cried out, " Get-togethers! Get all the people you know together who have kids who are on the Autism Spectrum, and By God, meet up! At the park! At your house! It will be nice!"

it's funny how this voice uses capital letters in text. yet i do not. ;)

so i am going to do these two things because i have learned in my thirty-six years not to ignore the "voice." it really does know what is best for me.


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shiny hair :)

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i have crazy hair. i have my entire life. it is super curly with some wavy spots here and there. it doesn't matter what product i put in it, how i wash it, i cannot brush through tangles. blow-drying and straightening are two other nightmares i attempt. aww, i am not complaining. it's my hair. heck, i get compliments on it a lot. but it IS hard work dealing with it. i truly wish i had a stylist here in my home to do my hair every morning and provide complementary touch-ups throughout the day. that would be amazing. :)

i finally found a brush that will smooth my hair out. it is a miracle. it tames it and actually makes it shiny.