hope, i whisper it.

depression is a bitch. i'll tell you that.

it is all my fault. all of it.

i'm being hard on myself, I know. but what is else there? I divorced. I got a job. I worked for 3 years. 3 very difficult years, until I had used up all resources (my family and friends) as babysitters. until I had listened to Emma screaming and crying for the ??what?? time because I had left her with someone who didn't understand her. who yelled at her. after i paid a sitter, i was left with so little money. I had to quit. I've been trying to stay at home. to work here. doing childcare. doing ANYTHING. I keep hoping. --
what is that HOPE quote?

-- "Hope is the most precious treasure to a person."--

I keep TRYING. I don't know how to make any more money here at home. GAWD, I am trying. I have applied to every part-time job I know. but there have been no replies. I don't know many employers who need someone there during school hours only. and it has to be during those hours. I am not leaving Emma with anyone ever again.

I am drowning.
I can't keep up.

it's too cold to run (for me.) so I get on that elliptical. and I work so hard. and I cry. cry. cry. and yell. so quietly I do.

i'm tired of crying. and don't misunderstand me please. I am no victim. ...
I just feel so "thought" out. all my ideas have trickled out. and i'm not sure I am believed in. I need to keep believing in myself.
there is no "throwing in the towel" for me. I have two children. and I just keep trying. but I am grasping. slipping. when I try to pull myself up, there is nothing there to grab onto.

hope. hope. hope.

I whisper it.
I scream it (in my head.)