i am happiest when:

i am happiest when:

i have paint splatters on my hands and arms. **i am too lazy to scrub really hard and get it all off.**
i am ripping my ugly bad memory closet doors down.
i am cutting up tank tops and using the spaghetti straps to tie up up a cute sheet "curtain" on my closet.

i like doing destructive things. it makes me feel good. so i have to find PRODUCTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE USEFUL things to do to put my destructive tendencies to use. i like to tear shit up. i like to crack eggshells in my hands ...C-R-A-C-K! and pulverize them. i like to mow and cut the heck out of that grass and send the little crickets running. watch out for me!

i cry nearly every single morning when at my computer or Kindle and i read a news story or a Positive Living quote/ story. i cried just a minute ago at the news update of the little girl in Illinois who has been missing since Sunday, believed to have wandered away. she has not been found yet, and my heart ACHES for that family. dear lord.

i talk to myself. i talk to the television. i talk to the commercials on the radio when i drive.

sometimes i don't know my kids' names. sometimes i don't know how old i am.

i am happiest when:

i visit my children's classrooms and see all the beautiful faces smiling at me. i like to help them read and do math. i like "learning." and there is a LOT of shushing. and ignoring the child who puts her hand up for everything, so the others can have a turn answering. i like it all. a lot.

i am happiest too when:

i have time for myself. to drive. to think. to work at home. to destroy things. <----- then take my destruction and turn it into something beautiful that pleases me.

oh, j., i am looking at my wall now and I've realized it is very dusty. ick. i might have to vacuum it. the wall. for reals.

all the beautiful babies, baby

i looked at someone's facebook photo of a newborn baby tonight and just started bawling. oh, a baby. memories FLOODED my tired head and made my heart ache. September is always the hardest month for me. this weather. babies. the way the air smells and feels. babies. Noah will be six this month. he was born five weeks early and was in the NICU for a week. we were so fortunate, but it was still a difficult time. My C-section recovery was more difficult also the second time around. i didn't see Emma much that week we were in the hospital. and her adjustment to a new baby was ROUGH. i was scared i was losing her, that we were going backward...how cruel of Autism to take many of her words from her for nearly a year and to take away my little sweet girl who sometimes cuddled with me. because she did disappear more for that year. i cried constantly. and my baby Noah--how i loved carrying him in his sling so close to me. he smelled wonderful. oh, sure, he cried nearly nonstop after about three weeks. i got NO sleep. but it was all so amazing. the love i felt for him and Emma. the love i still feel, always. ...so when i see a newborn, or, heck, even when i'm driving--because the sun in the sky is positioned just right this time of year and the air smells perfectly wonderful-- i get teary-eyed, and i wish for another one. ...then i remember i am not as young anymore and sleep is quite nice. ...

Noah lost his tooth this morning, his very first one. he was so excited! tonight i had to remember to be The Tooth Fairy. i would hate to disappoint on this momentous occasion. Before bed he started stacking pillow upon pillow on the bagged tooth. i said, "oh, don't do that. the Tooth Fairy won't be able to find your tooth." he said, "oh, yeah, you're right. the tooth fairy is probably small and not very strong." :-)

i took advantage of the Free Dental Clinic today in town. now i no longer have a sharp, jagged tooth cutting into my mouth and tongue. i emailed the dentist office personally thanking them for this wonderful, MUCH NEEDED service they provided to our community today. i am thankful.