Tuesday, November 4, 2014

almost 40 isn't almost 20

holy wow, it's been a LONG time since i last blogged. guess I've been busy. with life. and battling the stuff in my head. i think I've got it now--peace. i'm quite sure i do.

i sit here with my lemon stevia water. --i really want wine, but i had a diet coke earlier and i'm paying for it. my insides have expanded and i'm in bloated pain.-- i sit here, listening to Spotify and the same songs that caused me to break down crying not so long ago now have me smiling. i am so thankful. for second chances and fresh starts. for a love that is so strong that the two people involved finally are both GETTING it and are willing to work TOGETHER for the first time ever. they are HEARING one another and HELPING each other now. because almost 40 isn't almost 20. time flies. the clock doesn't stop and wait for us to SEE THE LIGHT.

update on my PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I went in for thorough lab testing. to rule out all other possibilities. my thyroid is fine. triglycerides great. blood pressure is normal again! but my androgen levels were high and my insulin levels are high. i am now insulin resistant. which is not diabetes. but could easily turn into that. because my diet and exercise hasn't been enough, i went on Metformin. i saw an improvement immediately. i just FELT BETTER. so, fingers crossed, i can begin to shed some of this weight that this condition has made it impossible to lose before. i won't give up. i just want to be healthy. and look great again. thank you, j., for saying i always look beautiful though. it really means a lot to me.

feeling a little more secure financially, though far from being where I'd like to be, has eased my stress significantly. my child care business is doing pretty well. i am able to pay bills and buy things for my kids that they need/want. so, i'm getting there. it has been a slow ride, but i think back to where i was BEFORE, when i felt so desperate and alone. i have come a long way. with angels both heavenly and earthly at my side. i am grateful.

on emma, well. i feel like i should say something honestly here. sometimes, like yesterday, i have these feelings inside. i don't know what to do with them. there was a paper in her folder sent home to those kids on the Spelling Team in regards to the Spelling Bowl. i was confused. did i not know emma was on the team? what? i asked her. she said, "No." she didn't know how the paper got in there. she doesn't "like spelling really long, complicated words." her words, not mine. i said, "oh." because i know she CAN spell those words. i've got a bright girl here. an honor girl. but one who doesn't always apply herself. i know these spelling contests would be difficult for her, with her sensory issues, and social issues, etc. but still i think back to how I used to win the Spelling Bees. how hard i practiced. ... but emma is not me, now is she? and i can't expect those things of her. ...and i have to change MY attitude. MY expectations. and i have to erase any WHAT IFS that exist in my head. ...oh, please don't get me wrong. i am so proud of my girl. she is amazing. and inspiring. and surprising --like when she got her pajamas on by herself tonight, brushed her hair, and brushed her teeth. i only asked ONCE! THAT IS A BIG DEAL, my friends.

emma is having a FANTASTIC year. i am especially grateful for her understanding teacher this year and an instructional aide that has a heart of gold. geez, i'm crying. seriously, i love this year. for emma. she is growing so much emotionally. and she is on her way to being that independent young woman i've been raising her to be, with the help of many great teachers and therapists.

after noah fell asleep i kissed him one more time and covered his shoulders with his automobile blanket. the one he swears is going to go to college with him --he's never giving it up. ;-) oh my, he smelled glorious. my baby boy. i just breathed him in. i think I will never stop buying Baby Wash for them to bathe in. so they will always smell like my babies.

thank you for reading some of our lives. i'm a sharer, what can i say? ;-) thank you for riding in our crazy, sad, happy, everyday life car with us on our journey.