Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I have yet to get it right

I've been pretty independent since I was a toddler. I remember mom telling me the story of how I got on my Red Flyer tricycle while she was napping. She woke to a quiet house. No April. She ran outside and heard the squeak of the trike as I peddled down the busy farm road. Where was I off to? Well, to get mom Pepsi and doughnuts from the little Belle Union store.
I was generally a quiet child. I was called shy. I wasn't shy. I had severe anxiety. It was crippling at times. Around close family and friends though, I was at ease. My true self shone. Shined? I'm too tired to look that up. Since I was small I've been called sassy, bossy,snarky. Yes, that's me. I still have anxiety, but it has lessened as I get older. Oh, I still have some panic episodes where I feel paralyzed. It's still hard to make a phone call sometimes. I am mostly alright though.
Now back to the independence thing. I've always been headstrong. I do what I want, when I want. I am polite, responsible, kind, etc. But I have a mouth. I'm not sure where I got it. I'm one of a kind in my family. I've embarrassed my dad on more than one occasion. But he also knows I'm his go-to person for dealing with business phone calls for him- I can put on That Telephone Voice and get the job done. Making HIS phone calls aren't a problem- it's making my own that cause so much anxiety.
I take care of my children, my house, either do maintenance work myself or hire someone, take care of the car, pay bills- I do it all. By myself. Without complaint.
I have a fault though. It contradicts my independence. My heart is so big. When it falls in love, it falls in love big time. It can't be stopped. I have actually said the words Oh Shit *to myself* upon falling. My head knows better. It knows I shouldn't. But my heart says with a sniff Go Bugger Off Stupid Head.
It isn't that I NEED someone in my life. I am not a desperate woman. I have never been out Looking for Love. And really, I haven't fallen in love that many times.
I have yet to get it right.
I won't be with someone who I am not in love with. Clearly.
And even when I have been with someone, really, I have always been so alone.
Underneath all the independence. All the badassery I radiate. I am just me. And just me wants to be in love with someone who is so much in love with me. Someone who is real. Just as real as I am. And honest. Who's tough like I am, and gentle too. Who sees me for who I am and loves all of me. Who loves my children and treats them like they are his own because they are a part of me, not because they need a father. They already have a father.
I have yet to fall in love with the person who will match my radiance, joy, excitement, madness.
#ihaveyettogetitright #stupidheart #love #independent

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