a little help please

another Emma-Lou story I am bringing over from the facebook archives... from april 2, 2013



as Emma had a laughter meltdown in public this evening, I wonder if any of those people trying not to stare were aware this is World Autism Day? ha. ... i am used to people's reactions and used to trying to get the hell out of somewhere fast. i recognize she was over-stimulated...not 100% sure of the trigger this time. i'm guessing she was tired. but the loud noises and uncontrollable laughter lasted a good hour. finally all clear. hoping we all sleep well and no one wakes up in the middle of the night to sort Barbies. ....p.s. i write these posts because i like to write and it helps me deal with my crazy head. also, i write them for awareness. and with hopes that one day there will be a stranger who doesn't just stare but will say, "hey, could i help you carry anything to your car?" as i gracefully and so smoothly juggle pizza boxes, drinks, coats that refuse to be carried, and try to hang on to the hands of one child maniacally laughing and another one whining because i don't have a quarter. you know-- just saying.

somewhere over the rainbow

moved over from facebookland:





http://youtu.be/PSZxmZmBfnU


this song is me, 8 years old on my personal "Broadway Stage," singing for the cats and birds, and unknowingly for my mother who peeked out from behind a shaded screened window. this song is my mamaw and me, with her CD player turned up, tuning out everything else, singing along. this song is my Emma, begging me to sing more, just one more time, before sleep takes us into the night.

because i get what "autistic chick" is saying.

i get this. emma is in her room now curled up under the covers with the curtains closed. she usually doesn't speak much after school. it takes hours to do homework, even fifteen problems, because she requires MANY breaks. when we go into town to go shopping, i only take her to one place. even that is so difficult for her-- she lies on the floor in wal-mart or kroger crying for home. ... she loves to swim, but as soon as the time is up i cant get her to move. can barely get her to the car. she shuffles. and goes silent in the car. i know this. .... when she's at a low at school, i suggest "heavy work" to get her moving again. at home, i give her peace. she works so hard.











http://autisticchick.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-strain-of-functioning.html

exhausted

exhaustion. <----- i have that.

noah has been sick for four days now. i mean, he's had the sniffles longer than that, but i won't count that. i mean, like, really sick. with an on and off fever. sleeplessness. runny nose. cough. headache. then earache. then the pink eye development. got medication today. so now he's on the mend. should be good to go by Thursday to return to school. fingers crossed we get that relief--that emma nor i get sick.

we all got sleep last night. thank goodness for nighttime medication. maybe tonight will be even better--maybe i won't wake up every couple of hours because of weird dreams about cats coming back from the dead. don't ask.

just a minute ago noah came running in here, "mommy, i have the BEST news!" he has a loose tooth! wow oh wow! that is the BEST news. i really am excited for him. :-)

be well. i will try to be. just have to keep exercising and taking my gazillion supplements. :-)

run to get good.

this was one of the songs i ran to while running this morning: Helena Beat by Foster the People.





i love this song, this band. they're one of those groups that play catchy dance/club tunes and their music appears on obscure independent movies. oh, and television commercials. but i like them because of the lyrics too. because i am a "word" girl. i love words. these lines hit me this morning: "You know those days when you want to just choose
To not get out of bed, you're lost in your head again."

ohhhh, how i know that feeling. just this morning the clock was ticking on, time passing, my running hour getting later. i was sorting the kids' clothes and i just began to stare into nothing. and the sadness threatened to take over. ... why? i don't know. because i wasn't being active enough? because i was Born like this? but i sat there in the half dark, and i wanted only to crawl back in bed. BUT i didn't. i said NO! to myself. in my head. or maybe it was out loud. and i put my hated sports bra on. ( i need a more comfortable one...Gordman's, i am going to revisit you and buy myself that pretty LOUD, YELLOW sports bra.) and i got in the car and started to drive to where i like to run. then... YARD SALE! momma loves a yard sale! and i had no kids with me. GLORIOUS! my sadness was gone. just like that. i did get to my running spot, and i ran ran ran. and i listened to the words. and i knew those words.

running. in high school i loved it. then i didn't try to run again until i was 31. not happening. then i tried again when i was 34. definitely happening. and i haven't stopped since. except for when i fall. while walking. which i am prone to do. ... running isn't always easy. some days i can run without stopping. others i have to stop and walk in intervals. it doesn't matter. i just like to keep moving. sometimes my feet hurt. but it doesn't matter. forward motion. flexed muscles. energy. inner peace. i feel alive, and i work things out in my head. i write in my head. i really really REALLY like to run. it makes me happy.

by the door

the backpacks are by the door, nearly filled with all the supplies they'll need to get started this school year. only a few more things to get: erasers, Kleenex, wipes... it makes my heart swell with pride and burst with a sadness. tears pour down my face. my babies. not knowing yet who Emma's teacher will be makes me uneasy, anxious. i think on it and send my wishes out on the wind: please be a good one. please understand my baby girl. thankful mrs. o is following the class for another year. ... and Noah, going into Kindergarten. *gasp!* now where has the time gone?? you were just a little baby boy with ducky wisps of white-blonde hair, binky in mouth, lining up cars and forks from one end of the house to the other. why does time fly by so quickly? oh, sure, i am so happy they are big kids now, learning and growing. but i am a momma, in my late thirties, and i grab on to all the little moments. i don't want to let them go.

may all our babies have memorable, fun, learning experiences this year. go into the world, little ones, and show 'em whatcha got. ;-)