her "engine" derailed

got a note in Emma's backpack today. It was a rough day. She was a distraction to the class in the afternoon. There was yet again another two-hour delay today. Then a convocation in the afternoon. The afternoon bus ride was about fifteen minutes longer today too. She had her afternoon snack, and I let her know she could take an hour to recoup before we started homework. She didn't do well with the after school kids I care for... in their personal space, inappropriate laughter, loud vocalizations, yelling. She picked up her DS and began to take pics and edit them. This always soothes her when she's over-stimulated. I had to use this to my advantage when prompting her to start the homework. Math! Gah! Even I dread Math. ... but she is actually quite good at it is the thing. ...anyway, I suggested she take pics of her math homework while she was working on it. Great! She did. And a close-up of my boob(covered by by sweater, of course), a close- up of me making a funny face, a few pics of "her" kitten Judy. Then she put the DS down and zipped right through the 16 problems in 25 minutes. **it depend on the day-- sometimes 16- 20 problems can take us an hour and a half with several breaks.** ... I am getting off point. Or maybe not really. ... the evenin was calm and quiet from there on out. UNTIL bedtime. The high- pitched screaming resumed. The laughing and jumping and rocking. And she can't stand when Noah and I look at her when she's in this state. She says we scare her. We have monster faces staring at her. And she giggles uncontrollably and shrieks nervously. THEN THE TEARS COME. We have been camped out in the living room for a few nights because of the frigid temperatures. I have rooms closed off. An electric heater going. The thermostat turned down so low it barely makes a difference. Three weeks of winter break, extended. A week back at school but with two-hour delays. More delays this week. Not getting outside much. Bein unable to sleep in her own room. Oh, and her dad being back in town and adjusting to that. I do believe I can understand her frequent meltdowns here -- I've been on sensory overload myself lately!
I sang every sweet lullaby I know tonight. They sang along. I ran out of songs so I Googled them. Didn't care at all if I was singing them to the right tune or in the right key. I just sang until she stopped yelling and Noah stopped crying because she was being too loud and why didn't he have a cat on him Why Give him a cat Now.

seeing things in the snow piles

all that snow started to melt. and got pushed aside into giant, nasty piles of eyesores. and right out there, out my front window. there I saw it: the dirty horse in mid-gallop, in the muck. he's still there, frozen. but melting. no one has walked by and kicked it. no diesel truck has smooshed it down. it hasn't been cremated, laid to rest in the soggy ground.

hope, i whisper it.

depression is a bitch. i'll tell you that.

it is all my fault. all of it.

i'm being hard on myself, I know. but what is else there? I divorced. I got a job. I worked for 3 years. 3 very difficult years, until I had used up all resources (my family and friends) as babysitters. until I had listened to Emma screaming and crying for the ??what?? time because I had left her with someone who didn't understand her. who yelled at her. after i paid a sitter, i was left with so little money. I had to quit. I've been trying to stay at home. to work here. doing childcare. doing ANYTHING. I keep hoping. --
what is that HOPE quote?

-- "Hope is the most precious treasure to a person."--

I keep TRYING. I don't know how to make any more money here at home. GAWD, I am trying. I have applied to every part-time job I know. but there have been no replies. I don't know many employers who need someone there during school hours only. and it has to be during those hours. I am not leaving Emma with anyone ever again.

I am drowning.
I can't keep up.

it's too cold to run (for me.) so I get on that elliptical. and I work so hard. and I cry. cry. cry. and yell. so quietly I do.

i'm tired of crying. and don't misunderstand me please. I am no victim. ...
I just feel so "thought" out. all my ideas have trickled out. and i'm not sure I am believed in. I need to keep believing in myself.
there is no "throwing in the towel" for me. I have two children. and I just keep trying. but I am grasping. slipping. when I try to pull myself up, there is nothing there to grab onto.

hope. hope. hope.

I whisper it.
I scream it (in my head.)