Monday, June 24, 2013

a better me

if you write, then i'm sure you know what i am talking about. i have a private journal of sorts i keep. it archives MANY, MANY things i have written. i needed to access it today, to sift and sort through muck and yuck to find the treasured goodies to add to my book in progress. i couldn't do it. i tried. i tried to read through it all. but my long lost words jumped out at me, sucking me into the screen...dragging me down into blackness. there is a time in my life i don't want to revisit. it will drive me over the edge. i am ashamed of it.

so i have decided not to go back through it all. i had to stop. reading. i am not that person anymore.

i am better. truly a better person. a better me. a better mother. a better friend.

i can't go back to that time where i let myself down. and others. i am not her anymore.

i found peace. in my mid-thirties i finally found peace. there will be no more hurting. of myself. or anyone i love. i vow to myself to be kind to me. to my children, know that i have your best interests at heart always. i promise to my friends, if i am your friend, i will honor and respect you. if you are my lover, i will love honestly and completely and respect you. i now respect myself.

i have come a long way.

i can't look back through that and find something and polish it and present it to you all as something good and shiny. i will start over. from my new heart.

so much of my words was just MISERY. it was hard to read, to stomach it, with tears forming and my shoulders drooping...

life really IS a journey. we grow. evolve. evolve is one of my favorite words. we learn.

i wasn't a happy child. or teenager. or a twenty-something. guess what. i am NOW. NOW i know happiness. NOW i see clearly. i have a purpose, several purposes, in this life. and i will shine now. truly from the inside out.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

tech as "#%!@"

it took me FOREVER yesterday to google how to fix the laptop. the keys were delayed and there was a ticking noise coming from the speaker when i would tap a key. i knew i had to fix it in the Control Panel. finally figured out it was the Filter Keys setting. dang it, kids. quit changing my laptop settings! noah kept assuring me, "mom! you just hold down on the key and it will type the letter." um, i don't WANT to hold down on the key for two counts, dear noah. how will i ever blog? it will take me all day to key in a paragraph. geesh. probably a super easy fix for those of you who are tech savvy. i am not. i believe "tech things" should be done for me. and i never should have to pay. i have a nice smile. and i bake delicious cookies. the end.

there was a time when i set up an entire computer system at the POS in the store i worked in. NO PROBLEM. but, hello, that was thirteen years ago. now i look at cords and outlets and black and gray plastic, buttons and keys, AND I DIE INSIDE. MALFUNCTION. i'd rather cover it all up with a quilt, tuck it away. and go read a book. and pretend that it is the "olden days."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

got me to thinking...

last night i watched Robert MacNeil's PBS series on Autism. He had wanted to do this report because his own grandson is on the Spectrum. i think it was an interesting watch. i like that there were more than two sides to the story, not just two people interviewed, but several. of course, any program i watch on Autism always leaves me wanting more. there are no "definitive" answers. i have my own ideas on the subject, as all parents of children with Autism do. ...

it got me to thinking of Emma as a baby. how she rolled over onto her belly at an early age. then, not again until she was about ten months old. it got me to thinking how she would "disappear" for five minutes at a time or go longer with no response, rocking and humming on all fours, looking... where? i don't even know if she heard me or saw me. how she was an INFANT in a deep sleep, unwakeable, screaming with her eyes wide open. that was the only time she was ever loud. Emma was so quiet my Mamaw Virginia was worried. "Babies aren't that good." The pediatric neurologist described her as having frequent "catatonic" states. and "autistic-like" characteristics. she was 14 mos. old then.

when she began to use language, it was ODD. she repeated everything in question form. doors were not "doors" but "rectangles." hearts were her first "obsession." she could pick a heart out anywhere, identifying it excitedly. circles were next, later. she horded them. anything circular she would snatch up and stack. triangles, a bit later. all triangles were skirts, so she would place triangular shapes in books to make the characters look like they were wearing skirts. then heads. tearing the heads off of Barbies or ripping out pages in magazines, tearing paper doll heads off, so she could place the heads on the characters in her books.

looking back, there is a lot i don't remember. i have much of it written down in various notebooks here and there. sometimes i think maybe it isn't even that important. BECAUSE look at her now. she is always going to have trouble with things, but she has come so far. so it IS important. there has been a process. i have learned so much. about the brain. about modulating senses. about love.

two nights ago Emma came up and gave me the biggest hug. it wasn't a rough hug like she is prone to give. it was NICE! and she said without prompting, "i love you, mommy." she usually turns her head when i try to kiss her. but SHE kissed me. it was genuine. and my heart was full.

the PBS series got me to thinking more realistically about Emma growing up. There was a grown son on it who ran marathons and did triathalons, cycled everywhere, but always with his father at his side. he was physically fit, and he LOOKED neurotypical, but even as an adult he couldn't recognize danger. he still needs supervision and guidance. i wonder about Emma. i got her a custom trike because she is too big for training wheels. she feels more free and relaxed on the trike, but i still can't get her to look straight ahead. she's always watching her feet push the pedals or the wheel going round and round, so there are frequent crashes still. fortunately she can't tip over now. :) practice practice practice we do. i hope she will be able to drive a car one day. i have high hopes. but a car and a road are dangerous, and she has no comprehension of true danger, where her body is in space, depth perception issues. this is something we work on everyday and also during the school year with her occupational therapist.

honestly, most of the time, i don't even think about Emma having Autism. it just IS. she just IS. and i love her immeasurably. and Noah too! it might surprise you to know that Noah is more difficult. he is 100% "neurotypical," but he is a challenge. daily. since he was three weeks old. with the crying and temper tantrums. he is my beautiful boy who thinks the world is against him and nothing goes his way. :( teaching him how to handle his emotions is the biggest challenge, how to handle change and disappointment. whew.

i LOVE my life. it is EVEN MORE than i hoped for. and i mean that. i struggle with things. especially recently. but i am HAPPY. :)

hold them close

even though things are not 100% ideal right now...i am not bringing in any income myself...i am counting my Blessings.

a couple of weeks ago i discovered that a mole on my back had changed. i was scratching my back, what i thought was a pimple or a bug bite...but it wasn't. it was a terrifying sight. a jagged mole, raised and scaly. it was very dark, a purplish color. the surrounding skin was tinged purple as well. and it ITCHED. a lot. and it didn't let up. i made an appointment with a dermatologist. yesterday was the day. i was so anxious and trying not to be. all these thoughts running through my head. scared. scared. but being strong. i had someone dear to me with me, by my side, easing my fears. the dermatologist was concerned, as well, about the mole. she removed it immediately and sent it off to be biopsied. i won't know for SURE for up to two weeks if indeed that was CANCER growing on my skin, but it is gone gone gone now. i am breathing a sigh of relief. thankful. holding my babies closer. gathering my loves of my life up, smooshing them... I AM HERE. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!