a better me

if you write, then i'm sure you know what i am talking about. i have a private journal of sorts i keep. it archives MANY, MANY things i have written. i needed to access it today, to sift and sort through muck and yuck to find the treasured goodies to add to my book in progress. i couldn't do it. i tried. i tried to read through it all. but my long lost words jumped out at me, sucking me into the screen...dragging me down into blackness. there is a time in my life i don't want to revisit. it will drive me over the edge. i am ashamed of it.

so i have decided not to go back through it all. i had to stop. reading. i am not that person anymore.

i am better. truly a better person. a better me. a better mother. a better friend.

i can't go back to that time where i let myself down. and others. i am not her anymore.

i found peace. in my mid-thirties i finally found peace. there will be no more hurting. of myself. or anyone i love. i vow to myself to be kind to me. to my children, know that i have your best interests at heart always. i promise to my friends, if i am your friend, i will honor and respect you. if you are my lover, i will love honestly and completely and respect you. i now respect myself.

i have come a long way.

i can't look back through that and find something and polish it and present it to you all as something good and shiny. i will start over. from my new heart.

so much of my words was just MISERY. it was hard to read, to stomach it, with tears forming and my shoulders drooping...

life really IS a journey. we grow. evolve. evolve is one of my favorite words. we learn.

i wasn't a happy child. or teenager. or a twenty-something. guess what. i am NOW. NOW i know happiness. NOW i see clearly. i have a purpose, several purposes, in this life. and i will shine now. truly from the inside out.