I am incredibly hard on myself. And I thank my mother for instilling guilt in me, so that when I am not well or I say no to someone I feel really really really bad. Not good enough.
Examples: 1. when I didn't feel well and I knew I needed to sleep, I turned down a substitute job one day. I hated myself that day. 2. I feel guilt and am convinced that others look down on me for not working a full-time job outside of home. Even though this is where I need to be. My kids, Emma in particular, need me. I worked outside of the home for over two years after the divorce. It was hell on all of us. Emma had frequent meltdowns. Noah lashed out. I had panic attacks. I don't have family and friends that are able to help with child care. ...
... this brings me to this question: why do I feel the need to explain myself? I don't owe anyone an explanation. Why do I do this to myself? I beat myself up. My depression deepens. Sunshine and running are the only things that help.
I work hard here at home. With my child care. With keeping my house looking nice. I work hard at the schools when I substitute. I am here when I am needed. To take my children to the doctors ( like today.) To be here so I can go down to the school if Emma needs me. To be here to Emma's morning routine and to deal with her afternoon lows. ... but there I go explaining myself again.
I feel inadequate when I don't make enough money to pay for the things my kids need. I usually do well, we get by...sometimes there is money left over. Sometimes there is not enough to stretch. And I feel like an incredible loser for not taking a full-time job. I remind myself WHY I did not. Why I am here. And that my kids are so happy with me here. I know what works for us. And I keep trying to make it work.#singlemom #autism
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