discouraged

feeling discouraged. this PCOS thing is bullshit. I'm usually so positive. I feel like I am falling apart though.
my weight just keeps packing on. I exercise DAILY. if I take a day off I regret it. if I walk too far or do too much I regret that too. I can't seem to win. my body punishes me almost daily now. I am so swollen. my belly is hanging down. my skin feels so thick. the diuretic makes my body BURN LIKE FIRE if I'm in the sun and I get a terrible headache. the Metformin makes my already gallbladder-less body shit out about 4 -6 times a day. I drink so much water. I pee constantly. this fat body is NOT MINE. what has happened????? I am so miserable. my kids have both asked me in the past week (my son, just tonight) why I am so fat. I am crying right now. I feel so ALONE. I want my body back. I want my life back. I want to run like I used to and not finish the miles with a face swollen so huge and puffy.
my family doctor hasn't returned my call about getting a referral to an endocrinologist. I am going to call the insurance company tomorrow and see if I even HAVE to have a referral. please, dear everything in the bright blue sky, my fingers are crossed that I don't need a referral and that I can find a specialist who can actually help me.

I hide all the sadness I feel from my family and friends. I've told them about this.. about how my symptoms are worsening. I don't think anyone really understands though. I can't blame them one bit. before I knew I had it (or it actually became a problem), I wouldn't have understood either. I am no whiner. no victim. I'm a fighter. I need a good physician to fight the fight with me. ive tried about everything I can find online to manage the symptoms myself -- nothing works for longer than a couple of months.

the weight. it comes on in the double digits, almost overnight. disappears for a while. then comes right back. I am not myself. I am embarrassed. and I'm afraid my kids are going to be embarrassed of me.

I want ME back.

I want to be able to work out hard and feel the results like I once did. now I just feel even worse. my body is working against me. I won't quit working out. I love it. I need it.

tags: #PCOS #polycysticovariansyndrome