I got this dog, Charlie, for Emma and Noah. Mostly Emma, i told myself. Turns out, my soul has needed him the most. And apparently my subconscious likes a good challenge. Ugh, way to go, subconscious. ;-)
Things I have learned about dogs and cats (and myself) in the last few days:
1. Dogs need to be let out a lot. I need slippers and a hat by the door at all times.
2. It is f%*king cold outside.
3. The constant fresh air is invigorating.
4. My arms & legs are getting stronger from being pulled around by a dog AND me pulling him another direction. ;-)
5. Cats are enablers. They encourage depression. Think about it: my cats are living for the days when all I want to do is burrow under blankets, eat ranch dip, and cry while binge-watching Netflix.
6. Dogs are a super good reason to be more diligent about emptying the trashcans and taking it outside.
7. I now have company on my walks. Company that never says a word, but makes me work harder, never slowing down.
8. Young cats are stinkers who like to tease a dog.
9. Cats appreciate us more as life begins to resume some normality. The purring is louder.
10. I have less time to dwell on negativity when there's a dog who requires my attention.
11. 40 pound dogs can magically fit through a door intended for cats. I seriously hope he doesn't break it.
12. Sometimes our dog needs me to sit with him while he falls asleep. Because he's never had love before now. But I love him. And the kids love him. And even though I am often exhausted, I have lain down with the kids many, Many, MANY nights. So now I have a furry baby too.
13. This dog tells on Emma when she's up in the night digging around in the kitchen. Charlie would like everyone to be sleeping.
I would like to be sleeping. I should be. ...goodnight.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
a Charlie for Emma
So... for quite some time now, the kids have wanted a dog. I personally have not been ready for one. I told them we would wait until this year, doing lots of research until now. I knew we can't handle a puppy. Not a big dog that knocks kids over. Not a tiny dog that barks incessantly. A dog for both of my children but one who can especially bond with Emma.
We have cats, and cats are cats --bossy and nitpick-y. And they tend to shy away from Emma because of her sometimes impulsive movements and loud breathing and noises.
I finally came upon this adorably handsome guy on a dog rescue site. He's approximately 6 years old and medium size, weighing in at 40 pounds. He was rescued from people who had him chained in filth for years. His fur was matted and had to be shaved. It is growing back nicely and so soft! The rescue lady thought he would be a good match for Emma. He's quiet. His description reads, "... is a gentle soul, and he carries a bit of sadness." Well, that melted me.
My biggest concern are these cats, who rule this house. I hope everyone can adjust okay.
He comes with a name: Bullet. We think that's a silly name for such a small, shy guy. He looks just like a Charlie. So Charlie it shall be. *thank goodness he wasn't answering to 'Bullet' anyway!
Here we are, January 2015, learning how to care for a dog. Lordy, you have to let them out to pee and poop and play! ;-( we do have a big fenced in yard and live super close to the nature trail.
I wrote some of this while Emma slept on me *rarer than rare. She hasn't done this since she was 3,* and Charlie slept on Emma's carpet.
Wish us luck. Peanut attacked him once. And he peed on the carpet once.
I know we have a lot of love to give him. He's so sweet.
We have cats, and cats are cats --bossy and nitpick-y. And they tend to shy away from Emma because of her sometimes impulsive movements and loud breathing and noises.
I finally came upon this adorably handsome guy on a dog rescue site. He's approximately 6 years old and medium size, weighing in at 40 pounds. He was rescued from people who had him chained in filth for years. His fur was matted and had to be shaved. It is growing back nicely and so soft! The rescue lady thought he would be a good match for Emma. He's quiet. His description reads, "... is a gentle soul, and he carries a bit of sadness." Well, that melted me.
My biggest concern are these cats, who rule this house. I hope everyone can adjust okay.
He comes with a name: Bullet. We think that's a silly name for such a small, shy guy. He looks just like a Charlie. So Charlie it shall be. *thank goodness he wasn't answering to 'Bullet' anyway!
Here we are, January 2015, learning how to care for a dog. Lordy, you have to let them out to pee and poop and play! ;-( we do have a big fenced in yard and live super close to the nature trail.
I wrote some of this while Emma slept on me *rarer than rare. She hasn't done this since she was 3,* and Charlie slept on Emma's carpet.
Wish us luck. Peanut attacked him once. And he peed on the carpet once.
I know we have a lot of love to give him. He's so sweet.
Monday, December 15, 2014
you were Superman
Little brother, where'd you go? I remember you and your infectious cackling laughter. Your pranks. Your stunts. How did you never break a bone? I believed in you. I told you you could fly so I could see that wonder in your eyes. When did you stop flying? Did the years, the drugs, the things wrong in your brain, take away your shine? Put a changeling in your place? A bitter, angry, resentful, dull, sad, lost shell of a once vibrant person. I miss you. This Christmas. And every day.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
almost 40 isn't almost 20
holy wow, it's been a LONG time since i last blogged. guess I've been busy. with life. and battling the stuff in my head. i think I've got it now--peace. i'm quite sure i do.
i sit here with my lemon stevia water. --i really want wine, but i had a diet coke earlier and i'm paying for it. my insides have expanded and i'm in bloated pain.-- i sit here, listening to Spotify and the same songs that caused me to break down crying not so long ago now have me smiling. i am so thankful. for second chances and fresh starts. for a love that is so strong that the two people involved finally are both GETTING it and are willing to work TOGETHER for the first time ever. they are HEARING one another and HELPING each other now. because almost 40 isn't almost 20. time flies. the clock doesn't stop and wait for us to SEE THE LIGHT.
update on my PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I went in for thorough lab testing. to rule out all other possibilities. my thyroid is fine. triglycerides great. blood pressure is normal again! but my androgen levels were high and my insulin levels are high. i am now insulin resistant. which is not diabetes. but could easily turn into that. because my diet and exercise hasn't been enough, i went on Metformin. i saw an improvement immediately. i just FELT BETTER. so, fingers crossed, i can begin to shed some of this weight that this condition has made it impossible to lose before. i won't give up. i just want to be healthy. and look great again. thank you, j., for saying i always look beautiful though. it really means a lot to me.
feeling a little more secure financially, though far from being where I'd like to be, has eased my stress significantly. my child care business is doing pretty well. i am able to pay bills and buy things for my kids that they need/want. so, i'm getting there. it has been a slow ride, but i think back to where i was BEFORE, when i felt so desperate and alone. i have come a long way. with angels both heavenly and earthly at my side. i am grateful.
on emma, well. i feel like i should say something honestly here. sometimes, like yesterday, i have these feelings inside. i don't know what to do with them. there was a paper in her folder sent home to those kids on the Spelling Team in regards to the Spelling Bowl. i was confused. did i not know emma was on the team? what? i asked her. she said, "No." she didn't know how the paper got in there. she doesn't "like spelling really long, complicated words." her words, not mine. i said, "oh." because i know she CAN spell those words. i've got a bright girl here. an honor girl. but one who doesn't always apply herself. i know these spelling contests would be difficult for her, with her sensory issues, and social issues, etc. but still i think back to how I used to win the Spelling Bees. how hard i practiced. ... but emma is not me, now is she? and i can't expect those things of her. ...and i have to change MY attitude. MY expectations. and i have to erase any WHAT IFS that exist in my head. ...oh, please don't get me wrong. i am so proud of my girl. she is amazing. and inspiring. and surprising --like when she got her pajamas on by herself tonight, brushed her hair, and brushed her teeth. i only asked ONCE! THAT IS A BIG DEAL, my friends.
emma is having a FANTASTIC year. i am especially grateful for her understanding teacher this year and an instructional aide that has a heart of gold. geez, i'm crying. seriously, i love this year. for emma. she is growing so much emotionally. and she is on her way to being that independent young woman i've been raising her to be, with the help of many great teachers and therapists.
after noah fell asleep i kissed him one more time and covered his shoulders with his automobile blanket. the one he swears is going to go to college with him --he's never giving it up. ;-) oh my, he smelled glorious. my baby boy. i just breathed him in. i think I will never stop buying Baby Wash for them to bathe in. so they will always smell like my babies.
thank you for reading some of our lives. i'm a sharer, what can i say? ;-) thank you for riding in our crazy, sad, happy, everyday life car with us on our journey.
i sit here with my lemon stevia water. --i really want wine, but i had a diet coke earlier and i'm paying for it. my insides have expanded and i'm in bloated pain.-- i sit here, listening to Spotify and the same songs that caused me to break down crying not so long ago now have me smiling. i am so thankful. for second chances and fresh starts. for a love that is so strong that the two people involved finally are both GETTING it and are willing to work TOGETHER for the first time ever. they are HEARING one another and HELPING each other now. because almost 40 isn't almost 20. time flies. the clock doesn't stop and wait for us to SEE THE LIGHT.
update on my PCOS. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I went in for thorough lab testing. to rule out all other possibilities. my thyroid is fine. triglycerides great. blood pressure is normal again! but my androgen levels were high and my insulin levels are high. i am now insulin resistant. which is not diabetes. but could easily turn into that. because my diet and exercise hasn't been enough, i went on Metformin. i saw an improvement immediately. i just FELT BETTER. so, fingers crossed, i can begin to shed some of this weight that this condition has made it impossible to lose before. i won't give up. i just want to be healthy. and look great again. thank you, j., for saying i always look beautiful though. it really means a lot to me.
feeling a little more secure financially, though far from being where I'd like to be, has eased my stress significantly. my child care business is doing pretty well. i am able to pay bills and buy things for my kids that they need/want. so, i'm getting there. it has been a slow ride, but i think back to where i was BEFORE, when i felt so desperate and alone. i have come a long way. with angels both heavenly and earthly at my side. i am grateful.
on emma, well. i feel like i should say something honestly here. sometimes, like yesterday, i have these feelings inside. i don't know what to do with them. there was a paper in her folder sent home to those kids on the Spelling Team in regards to the Spelling Bowl. i was confused. did i not know emma was on the team? what? i asked her. she said, "No." she didn't know how the paper got in there. she doesn't "like spelling really long, complicated words." her words, not mine. i said, "oh." because i know she CAN spell those words. i've got a bright girl here. an honor girl. but one who doesn't always apply herself. i know these spelling contests would be difficult for her, with her sensory issues, and social issues, etc. but still i think back to how I used to win the Spelling Bees. how hard i practiced. ... but emma is not me, now is she? and i can't expect those things of her. ...and i have to change MY attitude. MY expectations. and i have to erase any WHAT IFS that exist in my head. ...oh, please don't get me wrong. i am so proud of my girl. she is amazing. and inspiring. and surprising --like when she got her pajamas on by herself tonight, brushed her hair, and brushed her teeth. i only asked ONCE! THAT IS A BIG DEAL, my friends.
emma is having a FANTASTIC year. i am especially grateful for her understanding teacher this year and an instructional aide that has a heart of gold. geez, i'm crying. seriously, i love this year. for emma. she is growing so much emotionally. and she is on her way to being that independent young woman i've been raising her to be, with the help of many great teachers and therapists.
after noah fell asleep i kissed him one more time and covered his shoulders with his automobile blanket. the one he swears is going to go to college with him --he's never giving it up. ;-) oh my, he smelled glorious. my baby boy. i just breathed him in. i think I will never stop buying Baby Wash for them to bathe in. so they will always smell like my babies.
thank you for reading some of our lives. i'm a sharer, what can i say? ;-) thank you for riding in our crazy, sad, happy, everyday life car with us on our journey.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
a woman's worth
nikki said, "You should do it."
tell my story.
i'll tell you the best i can. what i remember some 23-24, oh, 30-some, years later.
i don't know for sure if i can say WHEN my story begins. birth? age 5? 10? 13?
i was the little girl who grew up with a mother who worked hard taking care of us, who loved us immensely. and i had an alcoholic father who was not usually home, but when he was, it was a nightmare. he never abused us kids, per se. not physically. emotionally he did. words have stingers, and the hurt doesn't heal quickly. but we saw what he did to mom. how he hurt her. physically, emotionally, verbally, financially. and how he mocked her. i learned what a woman was worth. it seemed to me, not much.
though i wanted MORE. i thought as a 5 year old, that i would grow up and i WOULD HAVE MORE than that. it is no wonder that i wrote in my Cabbage Patch Kids journal (IN FIRST GRADE) that when i grew up i desired to be an artist in Greenwich Village. i dreamt of a loft, all my own. no husband. no children. just me.
i had crushes on boys from a young age. *note* i was never sexually abused by anyone, to be clear, until i was 13.* .. i thought boys were so cute and wanted to kiss one ( a certain few) badly. madly. i chased them around the playground and passed notes. i got chubby and got a bad, short haircut in 4th grade. the boys didn't think i was cute. i was smart. the teachers singled me out. i was "the brain" and "teacher's pet." i developed low self-esteem. i hated myself. i thought i was ugly. ... so the little girl who rarely spoke in school because social situations were terrifying, began to withdraw. i stayed inside. i read books. i still had crushes... and there was that boy who only talked to me in secret, so his friends wouldn't find out he liked me.
forward to age 13. when i grew a couple inches and started to thin out and develop. my hair was longer. i suddenly felt great about myself. threw insecurity aside (oh, it was still there, underneath it all) and became a confident, sassiER teenager. it seemed the boys really liked me now. but, i had no social skills, you see. growing up, into this new person, was scary territory for me.
when i was 13 i went with my friend to the movies. we were dropped off there. her male cousin met us there. he was 12. i was molested by him in the theater, in the back row. he touched me in places i had never touched, never even thought about. but i was ashamed. i told no one. a few months later i was at her house. no parents home. she didn't tell me HE was going to be there. but he was. they stripped my shorts off. she held me down between her mother's bed and the wall while he spanked me HARD. i screamed and cried and pleaded. i still told no one. i never spoke to her again. she tries to friend me on Facebook. what a joke.
so imagine what i thought a woman's worth was by this time. just imagine.
when i was 14, someone suggested i go to Youth Group at a local church. i wasn't even religious. but i went. oh, how we are influenced when we are young. ... there was the cutest boy there! wow, i thought. i pursued him. he had to be nice, right? his family was 'churchy.' respected. we flirted. we laughed. yay! a real boyfriend! he was so nice. until we started going on dates. until phone calls. and car rides. and church events and school events and fairs. he wanted to know who i was with. best to be with HIM. where i was. where i was going. i was to be quiet and not talk back. he was big for his age. tall and strong. i was a little size 5. he would hold me down. bruising my wrists. pinned my legs. my Betty Boop watch broken. (mom gave that to me.) pantyhose torn. hair pulled. bruise on my neck and cheek another time (c'mon, i was just playing. just hickies. geez. what's the big deal? tell them that _______(a girl in youth group) accidentally hit you.) yeah. i feared movie theaters. where i was assaulted by him as well. and truck stops. and his parents' van in the church parking lot. my "first time," i remember, i was told i had to. i could not go home. he would not drive me home. he would not release me. until we did it. i was frozen. i died. over and over again i died. learned to please him. i turned off everything, tuned out. i was a zombie. a sex "slave." for a teenage boy. did what he wanted. he told me i was fat. my dreams were stupid. i would follow him to the college he wanted to go to. ...
why didn't i tell someone? you might be asking yourself. i tried to tell the youth pastor. and his wife. i did. they brushed it off. said i was being unreasonable. they did not believe me. i was beyond ashamed to tell my mother. i didn't want to crush her. i thought she would be disappointed in me. i was almost 16 when i got the courage to leave him.
all of this, of course, set me up for all my relationships thereafter. a woman's worth. i received no therapy. well, i tried to go to a psychologist in my 20s for a brief period. but she wanted to place blame on my mom and suggested i take long walks. that would help.
young women, and men, you are worth EVERYTHING. you are special. you are beautiful. you are a gift. you are intelligent. you are SOMEONE. you ARE loved. you are a loving person. when a boy (or girl) wants to control you, says demeaning things to you, makes demands, talks about or touches your body in any way that makes you uncomfortable or scared, RUN. i don't care if you don't have a car or can't get a hold of someone to come get you. GO. this is not a person who loves you. they have no idea what love is. they need to feel superior. GET THE HELL AWAY from this person. don't let your Spirit be crushed. for it will be. don't let them take what is Yours. you are BEAUTIFUL. your body is yours. your mind is yours. your SOUL is yours. love yourself. and you don't need to be ashamed. there ARE adults who will help you. who will listen. tell them. keep telling until someone helps you. you don't have to be alone in this. i know it's hard -- don't be afraid. you are strong. GET AWAY.
i know that NO MATTER what happened to me growing up. how my life was. it is NOT my fault i was abused. i did NOT ask for it. i did NOT want it.
no one ever sat down and talked with me about relationships or sex. intimacy. love. i didn't know what a good, healthy relationship could be like. i want MY children to know that. i hope i can teach them and show them all about love.
i think too that when i was younger, in those days, kids and teens were left unsupervised more than they are today. parents were rarely ever home back then.
so that is some of MY story. not all of it. not my 20s or 30s mentioned. but this is enough for now. enough for people to see that this happens. and i hope i can help stop it.
tell my story.
i'll tell you the best i can. what i remember some 23-24, oh, 30-some, years later.
i don't know for sure if i can say WHEN my story begins. birth? age 5? 10? 13?
i was the little girl who grew up with a mother who worked hard taking care of us, who loved us immensely. and i had an alcoholic father who was not usually home, but when he was, it was a nightmare. he never abused us kids, per se. not physically. emotionally he did. words have stingers, and the hurt doesn't heal quickly. but we saw what he did to mom. how he hurt her. physically, emotionally, verbally, financially. and how he mocked her. i learned what a woman was worth. it seemed to me, not much.
though i wanted MORE. i thought as a 5 year old, that i would grow up and i WOULD HAVE MORE than that. it is no wonder that i wrote in my Cabbage Patch Kids journal (IN FIRST GRADE) that when i grew up i desired to be an artist in Greenwich Village. i dreamt of a loft, all my own. no husband. no children. just me.
i had crushes on boys from a young age. *note* i was never sexually abused by anyone, to be clear, until i was 13.* .. i thought boys were so cute and wanted to kiss one ( a certain few) badly. madly. i chased them around the playground and passed notes. i got chubby and got a bad, short haircut in 4th grade. the boys didn't think i was cute. i was smart. the teachers singled me out. i was "the brain" and "teacher's pet." i developed low self-esteem. i hated myself. i thought i was ugly. ... so the little girl who rarely spoke in school because social situations were terrifying, began to withdraw. i stayed inside. i read books. i still had crushes... and there was that boy who only talked to me in secret, so his friends wouldn't find out he liked me.
forward to age 13. when i grew a couple inches and started to thin out and develop. my hair was longer. i suddenly felt great about myself. threw insecurity aside (oh, it was still there, underneath it all) and became a confident, sassiER teenager. it seemed the boys really liked me now. but, i had no social skills, you see. growing up, into this new person, was scary territory for me.
when i was 13 i went with my friend to the movies. we were dropped off there. her male cousin met us there. he was 12. i was molested by him in the theater, in the back row. he touched me in places i had never touched, never even thought about. but i was ashamed. i told no one. a few months later i was at her house. no parents home. she didn't tell me HE was going to be there. but he was. they stripped my shorts off. she held me down between her mother's bed and the wall while he spanked me HARD. i screamed and cried and pleaded. i still told no one. i never spoke to her again. she tries to friend me on Facebook. what a joke.
so imagine what i thought a woman's worth was by this time. just imagine.
when i was 14, someone suggested i go to Youth Group at a local church. i wasn't even religious. but i went. oh, how we are influenced when we are young. ... there was the cutest boy there! wow, i thought. i pursued him. he had to be nice, right? his family was 'churchy.' respected. we flirted. we laughed. yay! a real boyfriend! he was so nice. until we started going on dates. until phone calls. and car rides. and church events and school events and fairs. he wanted to know who i was with. best to be with HIM. where i was. where i was going. i was to be quiet and not talk back. he was big for his age. tall and strong. i was a little size 5. he would hold me down. bruising my wrists. pinned my legs. my Betty Boop watch broken. (mom gave that to me.) pantyhose torn. hair pulled. bruise on my neck and cheek another time (c'mon, i was just playing. just hickies. geez. what's the big deal? tell them that _______(a girl in youth group) accidentally hit you.) yeah. i feared movie theaters. where i was assaulted by him as well. and truck stops. and his parents' van in the church parking lot. my "first time," i remember, i was told i had to. i could not go home. he would not drive me home. he would not release me. until we did it. i was frozen. i died. over and over again i died. learned to please him. i turned off everything, tuned out. i was a zombie. a sex "slave." for a teenage boy. did what he wanted. he told me i was fat. my dreams were stupid. i would follow him to the college he wanted to go to. ...
why didn't i tell someone? you might be asking yourself. i tried to tell the youth pastor. and his wife. i did. they brushed it off. said i was being unreasonable. they did not believe me. i was beyond ashamed to tell my mother. i didn't want to crush her. i thought she would be disappointed in me. i was almost 16 when i got the courage to leave him.
all of this, of course, set me up for all my relationships thereafter. a woman's worth. i received no therapy. well, i tried to go to a psychologist in my 20s for a brief period. but she wanted to place blame on my mom and suggested i take long walks. that would help.
young women, and men, you are worth EVERYTHING. you are special. you are beautiful. you are a gift. you are intelligent. you are SOMEONE. you ARE loved. you are a loving person. when a boy (or girl) wants to control you, says demeaning things to you, makes demands, talks about or touches your body in any way that makes you uncomfortable or scared, RUN. i don't care if you don't have a car or can't get a hold of someone to come get you. GO. this is not a person who loves you. they have no idea what love is. they need to feel superior. GET THE HELL AWAY from this person. don't let your Spirit be crushed. for it will be. don't let them take what is Yours. you are BEAUTIFUL. your body is yours. your mind is yours. your SOUL is yours. love yourself. and you don't need to be ashamed. there ARE adults who will help you. who will listen. tell them. keep telling until someone helps you. you don't have to be alone in this. i know it's hard -- don't be afraid. you are strong. GET AWAY.
i know that NO MATTER what happened to me growing up. how my life was. it is NOT my fault i was abused. i did NOT ask for it. i did NOT want it.
no one ever sat down and talked with me about relationships or sex. intimacy. love. i didn't know what a good, healthy relationship could be like. i want MY children to know that. i hope i can teach them and show them all about love.
i think too that when i was younger, in those days, kids and teens were left unsupervised more than they are today. parents were rarely ever home back then.
so that is some of MY story. not all of it. not my 20s or 30s mentioned. but this is enough for now. enough for people to see that this happens. and i hope i can help stop it.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
songs from the old days
in the old days, in those happy times, there were songs. songs that you might not think would bring me to tears still today, but they do. White Zombie, Radiohead, Poison, Guns N Roses, Green Jelly-- songs by these bands make me cry and laugh, hold myself tight. I remember.
Monday, May 19, 2014
noah said, "...
this was said by noah last week: " i wish i had Autism." i believe this is the 3rd time he has said this ever. i asked why. his reply? "so i can get more stuff." wow.
the thing is, whenever emma gets something, he always does too. there are no favorites played here. ...
i was speechless. i didn't know whether to commiserate with him, laugh, or cry. so i hugged him. reminded him that he gets a lot of things. a lot of the time. and always when emma does for sure. unless it is her birthday.
just saying.
the thing is, whenever emma gets something, he always does too. there are no favorites played here. ...
i was speechless. i didn't know whether to commiserate with him, laugh, or cry. so i hugged him. reminded him that he gets a lot of things. a lot of the time. and always when emma does for sure. unless it is her birthday.
just saying.
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