a birthday letter for my mom

Hey, Mom. Just me here. I fancy you can read this. Or actually you are hearing the words in my mind as I type them. That is, if your energy is still out there, and all your energy particles didn't disburse into the universe. I believe you CAN hear me. I think you hear all my tears, anger, and joy. I imagine none of it hurts you -- you just smile a lot now and nod your head knowingly. Maybe you know exactly how it's all going to turn out. So there you are, silent. But knowing.

Last night Noah read to me, book after book. He loves reading so much. Reading is a super power when you are little. I remember when Emma started reading everything to me, almost overnight. Now it is his turn, and he is amazing! They both like the big words, love a good challenge. ... You spent so much time listening to Nathan and I reading. Night after night having us practice spelling words for the Bee. Our first word to spell wasn't "cat" or "it." nope, it was ten letters long. you showed us what syllables were and how to break the word up.You taught us how some letters are silent and some make a sound you wouldn't even think ... Noah thinks that compound words are the cat's meow for sure. I like that he WANTS to know things. They are both sponges, absorbing everything.

Emma wishes you were here so she could have a Mamaw Jennifer. She has fantasies that you would bake with her and sing and play games. I know you would. If you were really here.

I wish you were here. I want to make you a pumpkin pie. Remember I had just started doing that a couple of years before you got sick? I want to make you supper. I never did do that. I would take you out for lunch at a nice restaurant and we would get Starbucks, which I imagine you would think was silly because you have a coffee pot at home (or you did.) But you are NOT here physically anymore on this earth, walking and talking. I remember you though. Everything but your voice. It alludes me completely, although I am sure I would recognize it instantly if I heard it.

I wish you could meet your five grandchildren. That you could be the Mamaw you always wanted to be.

I love you. Forever and ever. I will continue to pass on to Emma and Noah all the good things you taught me. Happy Birthday from This Side. Fifteen would-have-been birthdays have passed, and I have smiled and cried on every one. Love. Love. Love.

holding on

I know their sadness well. I've worn it myself. I don't know that shock though that comes with a sudden death. how terrible. I grieve for them. their loss.
Gaylord, I always liked you and your quirky sense of humor. You will truly be missed. I look at these photos of you, and it does not seem real. I look at the one of you with your sister (my momma)--- you were both so young. and my heart aches.
I miss her. so terribly much. just like they are missing you now and forevermore.
I think about my dad too. you were not much older than he --- and his health is not so good these days. how much time do we have? I cherish every little second I have with him. we didn't have a perfect childhood. far from it. but who cares? I don't. I love my dad like crazy. even when he drives me crazy. heck, i'm sure I drive him crazy too. he thinks probably that I am too loud. he says I speak my mind too much. I probably embarrass him. but I know he loves me. me, whom he still calls "Princess."... We were at the bank drive-thru the other day, and he wasn't hearing everything the teller said. without thinking, I said, "Daddy, ..." It isn't the first time. It isn't something I do all the time. It doesn't always feel right. but sometimes I just blurt it out. ... I didn't always have my daddy when I was younger, but I do have some good memories that I hold onto. and I will keep on holding onto MY dad for now. I will keep trying to make him proud. because you just don't know how long you have, do you?

let the sunshine in

i need to blog. i have an urge. BUT do i really have nothing to say? really? me? ME who has a million thoughts in her head at any given moment? ME who talks to herself while running, washing dishes, mowing, uh...while doing anything. what to say? ...

i know in this blog i give away a lot of personal info about me. but it doesn't bother ME. i hope sincerely that anything i write will touch someone in some way. i hope i can help YOU understand me. understand Emma. understand Autism. understand parenting. i hope you are brought to laughter. and even a tear sometimes. i hope you feel emotion.

how is Emma handling having a broken leg? well, it was tough at first. she cried. she got mad. but we are getting around much better now. she really doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand how to use the crutches, so we are going with the wheelchair. right now i wish i had a ramp. but i try not to think of the NEXT TIMES every time i am transferring her, helping her hobble in and out of the house. i am just STAYING IN THE NOW. the orthopedist said it will probably be around Thanksgiving before she is able to completely walk again.

for those of you who are divorced and have some kind of decent relationship with your ex- spouse, i congratulate you. and i am jealous. appreciate it. know how fortunate you are. that is all on that.

the hardest part about being single and a parent of two children, one with Autism, is trying to figure out how to make an income and also be at home. i am limited, probably until the kids are through high school, to the hours of 8 am and 2 pm to work any outside job. because we just don't do babysitters here anymore. (except for the nice girl in high school who watches my kids for a few hours on some Saturday nights so i can leave the house and get a breath of fresh air and renew my Soul) babysitters in our situation don't work: 1. Emma has meltdowns and cries. A LOT. 2. it costs money. that i don't have. 3. i LIKE being here with my kids. i had them so i could raise them.
so i am poor right now. not poor in Love-- we have lots of Love. BUT in m-o-n-e-y. i will make it work. i always do. i am always looking for that ray of hope. hey, sunshine, shine on me. now. right now.

i am going longer distances with my running on some days. i still love it a lot. not that i truly care what anyone thinks of me, i do still have this feeling (that i need to erase) that people might look at me and judge. because i really haven't lost any weight. i still look the same. yes, it is frustrating for me. i feel that i just have to work harder. and i do. i feel much better about myself. i feel GOOD. so i need to tell the voices in my head to stop it. stupid voices.

and i will leave you with an honest-to-goodness quote from Noah:

"Mom, what is this called again?"

a pad.

"What is it for?"

____________ (blankness from me)

"Oh, yeah. Is it to cover up your hoo hoo?"