let the sunshine in

i need to blog. i have an urge. BUT do i really have nothing to say? really? me? ME who has a million thoughts in her head at any given moment? ME who talks to herself while running, washing dishes, mowing, uh...while doing anything. what to say? ...

i know in this blog i give away a lot of personal info about me. but it doesn't bother ME. i hope sincerely that anything i write will touch someone in some way. i hope i can help YOU understand me. understand Emma. understand Autism. understand parenting. i hope you are brought to laughter. and even a tear sometimes. i hope you feel emotion.

how is Emma handling having a broken leg? well, it was tough at first. she cried. she got mad. but we are getting around much better now. she really doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand how to use the crutches, so we are going with the wheelchair. right now i wish i had a ramp. but i try not to think of the NEXT TIMES every time i am transferring her, helping her hobble in and out of the house. i am just STAYING IN THE NOW. the orthopedist said it will probably be around Thanksgiving before she is able to completely walk again.

for those of you who are divorced and have some kind of decent relationship with your ex- spouse, i congratulate you. and i am jealous. appreciate it. know how fortunate you are. that is all on that.

the hardest part about being single and a parent of two children, one with Autism, is trying to figure out how to make an income and also be at home. i am limited, probably until the kids are through high school, to the hours of 8 am and 2 pm to work any outside job. because we just don't do babysitters here anymore. (except for the nice girl in high school who watches my kids for a few hours on some Saturday nights so i can leave the house and get a breath of fresh air and renew my Soul) babysitters in our situation don't work: 1. Emma has meltdowns and cries. A LOT. 2. it costs money. that i don't have. 3. i LIKE being here with my kids. i had them so i could raise them.
so i am poor right now. not poor in Love-- we have lots of Love. BUT in m-o-n-e-y. i will make it work. i always do. i am always looking for that ray of hope. hey, sunshine, shine on me. now. right now.

i am going longer distances with my running on some days. i still love it a lot. not that i truly care what anyone thinks of me, i do still have this feeling (that i need to erase) that people might look at me and judge. because i really haven't lost any weight. i still look the same. yes, it is frustrating for me. i feel that i just have to work harder. and i do. i feel much better about myself. i feel GOOD. so i need to tell the voices in my head to stop it. stupid voices.

and i will leave you with an honest-to-goodness quote from Noah:

"Mom, what is this called again?"

a pad.

"What is it for?"

____________ (blankness from me)

"Oh, yeah. Is it to cover up your hoo hoo?"