holding on

I know their sadness well. I've worn it myself. I don't know that shock though that comes with a sudden death. how terrible. I grieve for them. their loss.
Gaylord, I always liked you and your quirky sense of humor. You will truly be missed. I look at these photos of you, and it does not seem real. I look at the one of you with your sister (my momma)--- you were both so young. and my heart aches.
I miss her. so terribly much. just like they are missing you now and forevermore.
I think about my dad too. you were not much older than he --- and his health is not so good these days. how much time do we have? I cherish every little second I have with him. we didn't have a perfect childhood. far from it. but who cares? I don't. I love my dad like crazy. even when he drives me crazy. heck, i'm sure I drive him crazy too. he thinks probably that I am too loud. he says I speak my mind too much. I probably embarrass him. but I know he loves me. me, whom he still calls "Princess."... We were at the bank drive-thru the other day, and he wasn't hearing everything the teller said. without thinking, I said, "Daddy, ..." It isn't the first time. It isn't something I do all the time. It doesn't always feel right. but sometimes I just blurt it out. ... I didn't always have my daddy when I was younger, but I do have some good memories that I hold onto. and I will keep on holding onto MY dad for now. I will keep trying to make him proud. because you just don't know how long you have, do you?