Mermaids and Tom Petty

There was a time, a long long long time ago, in a different life it almost seems, that Emma screamed. Baths were the worst. I’d like to say I was always calm and didn’t lose my temper, but that is not true. I am human, and it took me many years to learn self-restraint myself and to stay calm when I was on the edge. Anyway, baths. She screamed and would not get in. When I was finally able to get her in, she’d be fine until it was time to rinse her hair. She was 4. Every evening was a struggle.
I used her love of mermaids to my advantage. “Pretend you’re a mermaid, Emmy. Lie back in the water and float. So she did, happily. The shampoo and conditioner would come out in the bath water as I gently worked my fingers through her hair.
Then, came her own rigid routine she insisted on. After the bath, she had to be dressed in her jammies- either a long nightgown or a 2 piece set. I had to read or tell the exact same story(ies) every night. Then, it was imperative she change out of the clean pajamas and into one of her many princess dresses. And that’s how she slept.
Oh, I remember getting angry. Trying to force her back into pajamas. I remember being exasperated that she wouldn’t fall asleep.
I didn’t yet have the wisdom to appreciate those moments. I was still learning. And I had a 1 1/2 year old who really, really disliked sleeping. I was lucky my girl who didn’t want to fall asleep stayed asleep almost every night for 12 hours. And she took long naps.
Fast forward a couple of years later- rinsing her hair was easier. But now, at age 6, she would laugh uncontrollably as she splashed and sloshed the water out of the tub, flooding the bathroom.
I remember wondering if she would always do that. I remember being angry. I remember not realizing that she was in her own world- in the ocean, swimming, being a mermaid 🧜🏻‍♀️. My world and my rules weren’t always relevant. I was a tired momma, all alone, hating that I had to go back to work, hating the situation I was in, sad, bitter, desolate.

So, as I think of the lyrics to Tom Petty’s “Square One,” I think of how it DID take a long time to get back here. I’ve been on a journey with her this whole time. Oh, we’ve grown so much.
I’d change a lot. If I could go back. But I cannot go back. I can only learn and move forward.
I look back now, and I think, I DID pay attention. I knew I could use her love of mermaids. I did encourage her to be herself. I got her all sorts of dresses and costumes at the thrift stores and made some myself. I DID recognize her strengths and built on them.
I am my own worst critic. That voice of mine inside my head is a huge bummer. I don’t know why she hates me sometimes.
#autism #epilepsy #autismmom #loveourlife #lifeisajourney