it isn't thirty years ago. that's for sure.

what happened to the good ol' days when farmers waved as they passed, and when they didn't try to run you off the road? I have been alive for 37 years -- has it all changed that much? even here, in the country, in the heart of America? I remember being a little girl-- mom and my brother and myself would pass a farmer in his truck, or tractor, or combine... there would be an exchange of smiles and waves. if his vehicle was large, he would pull over and give us some room to get by. fast forward 30 years later, and my daughter and I have a massive combine coming right at us on a narrow road. I can't get over because it is all ditch on my side. I watch as the combine passes one driveway, two driveways. and his speed never decreases. I am wondering IS HE REALLY GOING TO RUN RIGHT INTO US?? at the last minute he swerves over on his side. he is young. I probably have 15 years on him. didn't his daddy or papaw teach him right? the rules of the road? respect? politeness? this isn't an isolated incident. it happens weekly, if not every other day, on these country roads. these days, I notice many of the younger farm generation, "own" the road. hog it. are reckless. there is no waving. no smiles. in this fast-paced electronic, technologic world, there is not much awareness of our surroundings. of our actions and how they affect others. ... now from time to time, there is that courteous farmer (sometimes older, sometimes young), who is not reckless, who smiles, who knows that getting there faster isn't always better. or safer, for sure. and I breathe a little easier. and don't shout profanities in the car, into the air.
I have the upmost respect for ALL farmers and their families. I COME from a farm family. I get it. but let's please slow down and not give me a heart attack. thanks.

a birthday letter for my mom

Hey, Mom. Just me here. I fancy you can read this. Or actually you are hearing the words in my mind as I type them. That is, if your energy is still out there, and all your energy particles didn't disburse into the universe. I believe you CAN hear me. I think you hear all my tears, anger, and joy. I imagine none of it hurts you -- you just smile a lot now and nod your head knowingly. Maybe you know exactly how it's all going to turn out. So there you are, silent. But knowing.

Last night Noah read to me, book after book. He loves reading so much. Reading is a super power when you are little. I remember when Emma started reading everything to me, almost overnight. Now it is his turn, and he is amazing! They both like the big words, love a good challenge. ... You spent so much time listening to Nathan and I reading. Night after night having us practice spelling words for the Bee. Our first word to spell wasn't "cat" or "it." nope, it was ten letters long. you showed us what syllables were and how to break the word up.You taught us how some letters are silent and some make a sound you wouldn't even think ... Noah thinks that compound words are the cat's meow for sure. I like that he WANTS to know things. They are both sponges, absorbing everything.

Emma wishes you were here so she could have a Mamaw Jennifer. She has fantasies that you would bake with her and sing and play games. I know you would. If you were really here.

I wish you were here. I want to make you a pumpkin pie. Remember I had just started doing that a couple of years before you got sick? I want to make you supper. I never did do that. I would take you out for lunch at a nice restaurant and we would get Starbucks, which I imagine you would think was silly because you have a coffee pot at home (or you did.) But you are NOT here physically anymore on this earth, walking and talking. I remember you though. Everything but your voice. It alludes me completely, although I am sure I would recognize it instantly if I heard it.

I wish you could meet your five grandchildren. That you could be the Mamaw you always wanted to be.

I love you. Forever and ever. I will continue to pass on to Emma and Noah all the good things you taught me. Happy Birthday from This Side. Fifteen would-have-been birthdays have passed, and I have smiled and cried on every one. Love. Love. Love.

holding on

I know their sadness well. I've worn it myself. I don't know that shock though that comes with a sudden death. how terrible. I grieve for them. their loss.
Gaylord, I always liked you and your quirky sense of humor. You will truly be missed. I look at these photos of you, and it does not seem real. I look at the one of you with your sister (my momma)--- you were both so young. and my heart aches.
I miss her. so terribly much. just like they are missing you now and forevermore.
I think about my dad too. you were not much older than he --- and his health is not so good these days. how much time do we have? I cherish every little second I have with him. we didn't have a perfect childhood. far from it. but who cares? I don't. I love my dad like crazy. even when he drives me crazy. heck, i'm sure I drive him crazy too. he thinks probably that I am too loud. he says I speak my mind too much. I probably embarrass him. but I know he loves me. me, whom he still calls "Princess."... We were at the bank drive-thru the other day, and he wasn't hearing everything the teller said. without thinking, I said, "Daddy, ..." It isn't the first time. It isn't something I do all the time. It doesn't always feel right. but sometimes I just blurt it out. ... I didn't always have my daddy when I was younger, but I do have some good memories that I hold onto. and I will keep on holding onto MY dad for now. I will keep trying to make him proud. because you just don't know how long you have, do you?

let the sunshine in

i need to blog. i have an urge. BUT do i really have nothing to say? really? me? ME who has a million thoughts in her head at any given moment? ME who talks to herself while running, washing dishes, mowing, uh...while doing anything. what to say? ...

i know in this blog i give away a lot of personal info about me. but it doesn't bother ME. i hope sincerely that anything i write will touch someone in some way. i hope i can help YOU understand me. understand Emma. understand Autism. understand parenting. i hope you are brought to laughter. and even a tear sometimes. i hope you feel emotion.

how is Emma handling having a broken leg? well, it was tough at first. she cried. she got mad. but we are getting around much better now. she really doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand how to use the crutches, so we are going with the wheelchair. right now i wish i had a ramp. but i try not to think of the NEXT TIMES every time i am transferring her, helping her hobble in and out of the house. i am just STAYING IN THE NOW. the orthopedist said it will probably be around Thanksgiving before she is able to completely walk again.

for those of you who are divorced and have some kind of decent relationship with your ex- spouse, i congratulate you. and i am jealous. appreciate it. know how fortunate you are. that is all on that.

the hardest part about being single and a parent of two children, one with Autism, is trying to figure out how to make an income and also be at home. i am limited, probably until the kids are through high school, to the hours of 8 am and 2 pm to work any outside job. because we just don't do babysitters here anymore. (except for the nice girl in high school who watches my kids for a few hours on some Saturday nights so i can leave the house and get a breath of fresh air and renew my Soul) babysitters in our situation don't work: 1. Emma has meltdowns and cries. A LOT. 2. it costs money. that i don't have. 3. i LIKE being here with my kids. i had them so i could raise them.
so i am poor right now. not poor in Love-- we have lots of Love. BUT in m-o-n-e-y. i will make it work. i always do. i am always looking for that ray of hope. hey, sunshine, shine on me. now. right now.

i am going longer distances with my running on some days. i still love it a lot. not that i truly care what anyone thinks of me, i do still have this feeling (that i need to erase) that people might look at me and judge. because i really haven't lost any weight. i still look the same. yes, it is frustrating for me. i feel that i just have to work harder. and i do. i feel much better about myself. i feel GOOD. so i need to tell the voices in my head to stop it. stupid voices.

and i will leave you with an honest-to-goodness quote from Noah:

"Mom, what is this called again?"

a pad.

"What is it for?"

____________ (blankness from me)

"Oh, yeah. Is it to cover up your hoo hoo?"

i am happiest when:

i am happiest when:

i have paint splatters on my hands and arms. **i am too lazy to scrub really hard and get it all off.**
i am ripping my ugly bad memory closet doors down.
i am cutting up tank tops and using the spaghetti straps to tie up up a cute sheet "curtain" on my closet.

i like doing destructive things. it makes me feel good. so i have to find PRODUCTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE USEFUL things to do to put my destructive tendencies to use. i like to tear shit up. i like to crack eggshells in my hands ...C-R-A-C-K! and pulverize them. i like to mow and cut the heck out of that grass and send the little crickets running. watch out for me!

i cry nearly every single morning when at my computer or Kindle and i read a news story or a Positive Living quote/ story. i cried just a minute ago at the news update of the little girl in Illinois who has been missing since Sunday, believed to have wandered away. she has not been found yet, and my heart ACHES for that family. dear lord.

i talk to myself. i talk to the television. i talk to the commercials on the radio when i drive.

sometimes i don't know my kids' names. sometimes i don't know how old i am.

i am happiest when:

i visit my children's classrooms and see all the beautiful faces smiling at me. i like to help them read and do math. i like "learning." and there is a LOT of shushing. and ignoring the child who puts her hand up for everything, so the others can have a turn answering. i like it all. a lot.

i am happiest too when:

i have time for myself. to drive. to think. to work at home. to destroy things. <----- then take my destruction and turn it into something beautiful that pleases me.

oh, j., i am looking at my wall now and I've realized it is very dusty. ick. i might have to vacuum it. the wall. for reals.

all the beautiful babies, baby

i looked at someone's facebook photo of a newborn baby tonight and just started bawling. oh, a baby. memories FLOODED my tired head and made my heart ache. September is always the hardest month for me. this weather. babies. the way the air smells and feels. babies. Noah will be six this month. he was born five weeks early and was in the NICU for a week. we were so fortunate, but it was still a difficult time. My C-section recovery was more difficult also the second time around. i didn't see Emma much that week we were in the hospital. and her adjustment to a new baby was ROUGH. i was scared i was losing her, that we were going backward...how cruel of Autism to take many of her words from her for nearly a year and to take away my little sweet girl who sometimes cuddled with me. because she did disappear more for that year. i cried constantly. and my baby Noah--how i loved carrying him in his sling so close to me. he smelled wonderful. oh, sure, he cried nearly nonstop after about three weeks. i got NO sleep. but it was all so amazing. the love i felt for him and Emma. the love i still feel, always. ...so when i see a newborn, or, heck, even when i'm driving--because the sun in the sky is positioned just right this time of year and the air smells perfectly wonderful-- i get teary-eyed, and i wish for another one. ...then i remember i am not as young anymore and sleep is quite nice. ...

Noah lost his tooth this morning, his very first one. he was so excited! tonight i had to remember to be The Tooth Fairy. i would hate to disappoint on this momentous occasion. Before bed he started stacking pillow upon pillow on the bagged tooth. i said, "oh, don't do that. the Tooth Fairy won't be able to find your tooth." he said, "oh, yeah, you're right. the tooth fairy is probably small and not very strong." :-)

i took advantage of the Free Dental Clinic today in town. now i no longer have a sharp, jagged tooth cutting into my mouth and tongue. i emailed the dentist office personally thanking them for this wonderful, MUCH NEEDED service they provided to our community today. i am thankful.

a little help please

another Emma-Lou story I am bringing over from the facebook archives... from april 2, 2013



as Emma had a laughter meltdown in public this evening, I wonder if any of those people trying not to stare were aware this is World Autism Day? ha. ... i am used to people's reactions and used to trying to get the hell out of somewhere fast. i recognize she was over-stimulated...not 100% sure of the trigger this time. i'm guessing she was tired. but the loud noises and uncontrollable laughter lasted a good hour. finally all clear. hoping we all sleep well and no one wakes up in the middle of the night to sort Barbies. ....p.s. i write these posts because i like to write and it helps me deal with my crazy head. also, i write them for awareness. and with hopes that one day there will be a stranger who doesn't just stare but will say, "hey, could i help you carry anything to your car?" as i gracefully and so smoothly juggle pizza boxes, drinks, coats that refuse to be carried, and try to hang on to the hands of one child maniacally laughing and another one whining because i don't have a quarter. you know-- just saying.